Mumbai. After the path-breaking discovery by the Indian parliament, which established beyond doubt that corruption affected people based on their ethnic roots, a team of doctors have concluded that the ill effects of common cold too were sensitive to a person’s caste and religion.
Researchers have found out that if a Brahmin, Muslim, Yadav, and Paswan were left exposed to the same cold weather conditions, they will develop different health complications and hence they required different levels of treatments. Based on this finding, Vicks, the leading manufacturer of cough-and-cold over-the-counter medicines, has launched caste based VapoRubs, throat lozenges, and inhalers.
“All these years we thought that corruption affected every person, every aam aadmi, in the same way, but thankfully our honorable leaders opened our eyes and made us realize that it was a myth,” Dr. Anu Hazarika, the lead researcher told Faking News.
The eye-opening realization dawned upon Dr. Anu and her team once the parliament agreed to introduce caste and community based reservations in Lokpal, the proposed anti-corruption body.
“We always thought that crime and corruption spared no one and made no distinctions among the victims,” Dr. Anu said, “But we were wrong, the parliament proved us wrong; and the parliament is supreme in our democracy.”
After crime and corruption were connected with caste and community by the council of MPs, Dr. Anu started looking for more ‘C’s and zeroed upon “common cold”, which had two Cs in it. To her bewilderment, she realized that common cold too was pretty casteist and communal in nature.
“A Brahmin was less vulnerable to common cold than a Yadav if both were made to stand naked in the same freezing environment,” Dr. Anu shared her findings, “and that’s why a Brahmin didn’t need as much Oxymetazoline dosage as a Yadav. We were definitely doing it the wrong way by prescribing the same dosage to every man suffering from common cold effects such as nasal congestion.”
“What we need right now are caste and religion based medicines,” she concluded.
When Faking News reporter tried to reason that maybe the different effect of same cold weather condition on people belonging to different communities were due to their financial condition and personal lifestyle, Dr. Anu argued that one didn’t need to take such a “complex” view of a situation that can be easily explained in terms of one’s caste.
“Let’s keep it simple; let’s have quota in cold-and-cough medicines,” she suggested.
While her research is still being debated by the doctors, sociologists, lawyers, and twitter users, Vicks has decided to launch such caste specific medicines by the next week. Proctor & Gamble, the company owning the Vicks brand, has justified the move.
“It reflects the sense of the house and the nation,” a representative of the company said, “If there is any objection from the scientific community, we hope the parliament will pass a law allowing sale of such caste based medicines. Unlike Anna Hazare, we have full faith in our MPs.”