NEWSWIRE

New Delhi. In order to make this world a better and cleaner place for sensitive people, government has decided to pre-screen the arrival of future generations and stop those babies from being born who could offend people’s sentiments.

This will be done through a technology that mixes elements of genetic engineering, as developed by medical science, predictive algorithm, as developed by social networking websites, and preemptive censorship, as developed by Kapil Sibal.

“We can’t allow people’s sentiments to be hurt,” Sibal said in a press conference that was attended by representatives from Google and Facebook, “While our constitution allows a person to have sex and reproduce, we can’t allow them to breed babies who can later offend religious and cultural sentiments.”

“The right to reproduce can’t be absolute; we have to put reasonable restrictions on reproduction,” he added.

Minority Report

Many expert believes that Sibal in inspired by the Hollywood movie Minority Report, where a crime is stopped before it is committed.

The breakthrough was achieved late last night after the union minister of various responsibilities met with experts on various domains to come up with a solution to the ongoing debate over internet censorship.

The social networking websites totally refused to take any responsibility for what their users do, which led to the conclusion that the original offender was the user – the common citizen.

Representatives from Google and Facebook claimed that they had crucial data related to a user’s past behavior that can be used to predict how a user will behave in future, but their algorithm can’t predict if the user will behave offensively.

“Our algorithm suggest them which friends to add to their network and what activities to ‘like’ based on their behavior, and most of the times we come up with relevant information,” a Facebook representative explained to Kapil Sibal, who was amazed to learn how internet has grown beyond belief.

Representatives of Google later offered that they could help the government develop a similar predictive technology if the government agreed to keep them out of this censorship business. This gave Sibal the idea of pre-screening babies.

“If you guys know users so well, why should we restrict ourselves to the internet domain?” he wondered, “After all internet is just a ‘notional’ world, let’s target the real world.”

Sources tell Faking News that Sibal immediately called on his fellow lawyers and medical science experts and decided to work on a predictive technology that could predict the behavior of a yet-to-be born child.

“Based on DNA samples of the parents and their past record of offending people, we can surely identify potential offenders,” Sibal claimed as he announced his latest plan for “Human Resources Development”.

The union minister claimed that India will be full of gentlemen and gentlewomen once this pre-screening of babies gets underway. “There will be no abusive tweets, no offensive Facebook pages, no shocking Google auto-complete suggestions,” Sibal said.

The announcement has expectedly outraged people who wondered how could the government censor their babies.

“It’s my baby and I don’t need Sibal’s character certificate,” a pregnant woman tweeted.

Political parties too have opposed the latest move with BJP claiming it to be a conspiracy to stop birth of potential BJP voters. Though privately many BJP leaders confided to Faking News that they’d love to use this technology themselves if they came back to power.

The only parties who have openly welcomed the technology are the government of China, Guardian Council of Iran, and an unknown group in the USA.

Report filed under:

Technology


  • Ptt

    ” “It’s my baby and I don’t need Sibal’s character certificate,” a pregnant woman tweeted. ” this statement was fabulous !! In any case this internet censorship is a non feasible idea..

  • Rishi Gohil

    Pagal Patrakar won’t have babies ever!!!