New Delhi. A geneticist has isolated the gene for academic excellence, Faking News can reveal. Professor Mohan Bhatt successfully found the gene after ten years of collecting DNA samples from tea cups at Jawaharlal Nehru University (although not those from the Arts Faculty).
“This is my life work,” said Professor Bhatt, “and it’s very safe – I tested it on myself,” he added, giving an interview whilst reading classical Chinese literature, doing calculus in the margins, and drafting a new Lokpal Bill with his free hand.
The scientist first isolated the academic gene and then travelled to Switzerland to shoot the new discovery at the speed of light at CERN. He had originally hoped this process would create an all-powerful “faster than a speeding bullet” Superman gene, but in the end he settled for thought processes faster than a Brett Lee bouncer at Perth.
Professor Bhatt is now offering injections of the gene to next year’s Delhi University applicants in order to boost their marks. “With my academic gene injections,” he said, “students could get 105% or even 110%”.
St. Stephen’s College said that although all current cutoffs are less than 100%, they “would not rule out” a 100%+ cutoff in future to trump SRCC, while Pune University has already announced a cutoff of 102%.
The current “drug policy” for exams only requires students to be neither drunk nor high in the exam hall (these states are traditionally an advantage for creative writing tests.)
“I’d love an academic injection,” said Sandeep, 17, “at the moment I have to waste time with a tutor and actually learn things! Forget that! I want results fast.”
The breakthrough has many more possible applications. Faking News called the Low Intelligence Association of India to tell them about the new discovery, but they failed to see how the breakthrough could be of use to them.
Professor Bhatt had previously sought the gene in the DNA of government officials. However, after being injected with those genes, some of the test monkeys forgot how to peel bananas.
Part of 0.5% Swachh Bharat Abhiyan cess to go towards paying college students to take a bath this winter