Heaven. Even if he had expected the US soldiers to hunt him down and kill him, he surely wouldn’t have expected this. It seems Al-Qaida founder Osama Bin Laden would have to wait for a few weeks before he could get his promised 72 virgins after death, as all the virgins are reported to be on strike since last Monday demanding a hike in salary.
In fact, the virgins have refused to come back to work even after a local court asked them to do so.
“An order to this effect was released by the local court after news of Osama being killed reached us. We wanted to give the best possible reception to Osama upon his arrival, but these greedy bitches are not budging an inch,” informed Saddam Hussein, who is currently working as a typist outside the court in the alleged heaven.
Faking News can’t confirm if the concerned place indeed is “heaven” as described in many texts, images, and videos found on earth, but our dead reporter currently residing in that place maintains that it indeed is. Our reporter further informs that Osama is mighty pissed off with the mess.
“What kind of mismanagement is this? Am I still in Pakistan?” Osama told Faking News, “In fact, Pakistan was better. Friends in the Military Academy at Abbottabad used to send me goat milk daily on time, until the American bastards bombed my house and threw me into a sea.”
“I had thought beautiful virgins will help me take bath with rose water after I came here smelling like a fish,” Osama added, “And all that I have got here are these three buckets of saline water with this Liril nimbu soap. What the hell is this? Where are the virgins?”
Osama had to face these difficulties as virgins have been on strike for almost five days now demanding a pay hike from the heaven administration. No private establishments are allowed in heaven hence Osama can’t even get any private virgins by paying higher fees.
“We have been working overtime since 9/11 and we have not been given any promotion or pay rise,” said one of the striking virgins, “Can you believe my designation still reads as ‘virgin’ even though I’ve been attending martyrs for a decade now! We are not going to end our strike till this manipulation and exploitation stops.”
The heaven administration has appealed to the virgins to end their strike on many occasions and has even threatened to impose ESMA (Essential Services Maintenance Act) against them, but the association of virgins has showed no sign of relenting.
“This is fucking crazy; I will bomb all of them!” Osama told Faking News as he tried to take bath all by himself with the Liril soap. “Who’s she by the way?” Osama longingly asked, pointing to the picture of a girl on the soap wrapper.