NEWSWIRE

Lashkarpur, Pakistan. Lashkar-e-Toiba (LeT) has been plotting to assassinate Gujarat CM Narendra Modi, according to WikiLeaks. But in an exclusive scoop, Faking News can reveal that the terrorist group is also planning an attack on what it sees as a “den of witchcraft, idolatry, and general ungodliness”.

“We have read all about this place,” said Aziz, throwing a copy of “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” onto the fire, “it is an evil place where innocent children taken in and brainwashed into witches and wizards. We must destroy this Hogwarts place.”

Faking News was given access to the “madrasa” in which hundreds of small boys were learning to recite the entire JK Rowling series by heart.

“Book 3, page 345, line 12, third word?” shouted Aziz at a six year old. “Quidditch, sir,” came the reply. “And what is that?” demanded Aziz. “The war dance of Satan which streaks debauchery and blasphemy across God’s sky, sir,” said the child, bringing a smug smile on Aziz’s face.

The madrasa teaches the children the evils of life at Hogwarts, although recently five students were expelled after a teacher caught them cleaning brooms in an “ungodly manner”.

Harry Potter

Harry Potter characters are still unaware of the threats they face

Despite LeT’s rigorous training program, the logistics of the planned attack have proved difficult. “We find plenty of pictures of the place,” explained Aziz, “but it doesn’t show up on Google maps, so we’re a bit stuck.”

The cornerstone of the planned attack is the assassination of Harry Potter. “We’re seeking a fatwa on him,” explains Aziz, “there was one on Salman Rushdie, which just goes to show that these literary types are not immune from justice.”

This correspondent pointed out that Salman Rushdie did not have an invisibility cloak, the ability to animate inanimate objects and is spotted around town a lot more, often with an extremely nubile companion.

“Yes, but they both wear round glasses and spread lies,” responded Aziz.

The destruction of Hogwarts is just the start of a phase of “anti-witchcraft” activities by the terrorist group that has been trying to beat Al-Qaida and become the market leader of terrorism. Several copies of “Lord of the Rings” are littered around the floor too.

“Assassinate Harry Potter?” said a spokesman for JK Rowling after Faking News apprised them of the latest threat, “Well, we’ll have to assign some protection. Maybe, Aslan the Lion, or perhaps we could see who Philip Pullman isn’t using right now.”

Sources inform that LeT has reassessed its budgetary requirements recently. According to an estimate, it would need an additional 15 crore rupees to assassinate both Harry Potter and Narendra Modi. The budget would be presented in Pakistani parliament next year in March for approval.

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Part-time writer, part-time researcher, full-time faker.

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  • Vineet

    The budget would be presented in Pakistani parliament next year in March for approval………f$#king awesome man…..whr do u get such ideas? :)

  • Chandu

    Man the last two lines are F@&ing Hilarious!! But the truth stands sadly!! :|

  • maya

    rocking… just loved it… the last two lines….rocking!

  • priya

    both wear round glasses and spread lies… hilarious!!! :D

  • Prats

    Keep it up dude!! Its atrociously funny!! Pak budget! Lollzzz!!

  • http://newsthatmattersnot.com Tanay

    Brilliant lines: “both wear round glasses and spread lies”
    and the last line :D

  • Amit

    Brilliant article. I’m amazed how you keep coming up with such great satire.
    Especially liked “cleaning in an ungodly way” remark :)

  • Paro

    Nice one Simon…!! Loved the last line….!!! :D Brilliant..!