New Delhi. In an unprecedented event in the history of unethical practices of the Indian media, India Today, the weekly news magazine, has copied entire pages of Playboy magazine and published them as its own. The plagiarized pages, which include the center spread, display various post-surgery Caucasian women raunchily posing in their birthday suits, and belong to a 2009 issue of Playboy, the largest selling porn magazine in the world. The publication of these pages in India has led to a bizarre turn of events.
In the capital, a sex-crazed blood-thirsty mob of men has been out on a rampage. They have been eyeing every woman on the road lecherously and gruffly muttering “Kitna legi” (“State your price”). It is not clear whether this activity is borne out of sexual repression or its opposite. The men vary from ages 13 to 85, the lone 85 year old in the mob being ND Tiwari.
Some of these excited men have also been carrying placards advertising their organization ‘Society for Protection of Ejaculatory Rights of Men’ (SPERM). The only quotes this reporter could get from these zombie-like creatures (before escaping for her life) were “Bad Mannn”, and gibberish like “Zugga zugga” and “Aaooo”, reminiscent of certain rapist Bollywood idols.
It is advised that women stay away from this mob. However, Delhi women have noted that they are used to seeing such horrifying sex-crazed ghouls on the streets all the time anyway.
Unconfirmed reports add that earlier in the day Baba Ramdev had claimed that he could cure the depraved minds of these lunatics through the yogic practice of Pranayam. But when he realized that the naked images were of women and this wasn’t about homosexuality, and therefore, was neither depraved nor lunatic, he gave his blessings to the mob and bought his own copy of India Today.
The fact is that Playboy (or its reproduction) is banned in India. However the police have taken no action so far. A group of Delhi Police constables, when approached by this reporter, responded that they were too busy sorting out “real issues”. The group of said constables were all poring over a copy of the same India Today issue, and were heard loudly discussing, “Je Chhori manney achhi laagi se” (“I like this chick”), after which they started fighting over which model was the hottest.
These shameful shenanigans were brought to an end when their boss, the Additional Commissioner of Police (ACP) of their zone ordered the magazine be brought to him so that the crazed constables wouldn’t commit fratricide. Sources reveal that the ACP took the magazine to the toilet to peruse, as many people are wont to do, but did not emerge out of the toilet the entire day. At the time of going to press, it had been 42 hours and the ACP had still not come out of his toilet.
Reliable sources add that Ajmal Kasab has also demanded a copy of this India Today issue, reportedly to ward off ennui in his jail cell.
Preserver of Hindu culture and Marathi pride, the Shiv Sena in Mumbai has not protested against India Today. The Sainiks, who want a ban on burqas, were reportedly enjoying the pictures of bare naked ladies. They said that they didn’t have an issue with the issue because there was no disrespect towards Hindu goddesses, American sex-goddesses be damned. They also defended themselves by stating, with a sudden respect for actual historical facts, that Kamasutra had always been a part of Indian culture. Certainly the centre-spread could not do as much irretrievable damage to impressionable young minds as a Booker prize nominated work of fiction like Rohinton Mistry’s Such a Long Journey could.
In Bangalore, Sri Ram Sene members, who had vowed to purify Indian culture of debauched elements like women who went to pubs, Muslims, Valentine’s Day, science and modern education, came out in public, happily wearing frilly, lacy pink panties and carrying issues of the latest India Today. It is not clear why they were celebrating pictures of naked women. When we posed this question to their chief, Mr. Pramod Muthalik, he paused for a moment and only said, “Hm…Am a Proud Klit”, which as we understand, is an anagram of his own name. It is to be seen if, with this heartfelt description of his own true self as a female sexual organ, he will finally receive the attention he has been trying to get all these years.
To be fair to right-wingers, one right-wing crowd did gather to protest outside India Today’s office yesterday. The crowd was identified as the same one which protested outside, and vandalized Arundhati Roy’s house, except that this time their request for a TV camera crew to accompany them was denied by media houses.
In fact, what has remained most shocking is the mainstream Indian media’s staunch refusal to report India Today’s sensational act of plagiarism. Perhaps this can be explained by the Indian media’s propensity to act like the American military. One example of this would be the tendency to bombard and decimate those who don’t agree with them, while another, more relevant example here, would be the policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. In simple words it amounts to “Keep your moral transgressions (also known in some circles as homosexuality) to yourself, biatches. Addendum: And don’t touch us when it’s our turn.” In fact, the man who steadfastly refuses to keep quiet, the champion of the decibels, Arnab Goswami, has been so quiet over this whole issue that some people have been wondering if they have gone deaf.
When last viewed, some Indian News channels sounded something like this:
- Arnab Goswami on Times Now: “TONIGHT THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER MR. KALMADI USED THE RS. 3,757/- TOILET PAPER FOR HIS OWN PRIVATE TOILET USE OR NOT! THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!”
- Sagarika Ghosh on CNN-IBN: “Is it fair to slot complex and ambivalent issues into rigid Black or White categories? Reply ‘QOTD-YES’ or ‘QOTD-NO’ from your mobile phones.”
- Any Headlines Today anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…” <followed by immediate pandemonium>
- Any NDTV anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…” <followed by immediate pandemonium>
Note: What you read above is not a blooper. It is well known that India is the land of mysterious apparitions, transmigration of souls, and the unique ability of certain individuals (especially the highly screechy ones) to be present in two different places (like TV Studios) at the same time. Oh, magic! Oh, “LIVE” TV! Oh, sue-worthy practice of SIM-SAT!
- Any Hindi ‘news’ channel: “Sansanikhez Khulaasa (Sensational revelation)! A new extra-terrestrial landing in Nangloi and its astrological impact on your fate, as well as on the fate of characters in your favorite TV serials!”
- Any News X anchor: “Zzzzzzzz….zzzz….zzzz…zzzz….zzzz….”
Print publications did not utter a word about India Today’s plagiarism either, although sources reveal that the Times of India (TOI), being the Times of India, was wondering if they themselves could plagiarize the centre-spread from India Today. However, on being reminded that India Today and Playboy were not blogs run by ordinary citizens who couldn’t fight their lone, hapless battles against media behemoths like itself, and were in fact, magazines which might just sue, the TOI reportedly desisted from plagiarizing this time.
Newspapers like Mid-day, Bombay Times and every other city supplement, where all pages are mysteriously numbered ‘Page 3’, also joined the race to not report India Today’s pornanigans, as their daily news content was anyway quite similar to the Playboy centre-spread.
On a different note, women’s groups (to which this reporter also belongs) have protested that such porn was the result of the growing trend of increasingly aggrandized objectification and commodification of women’s bodies for nefarious mercantile purposes which victimized women and also led to absorption of such commodifying culture in turn leading to women’s internalization of one’s own victimization. But nobody understood what they said.
It isn’t surprising that the plagiarized India Today issue has completely sold out. However, in this abysmal state of affairs, you, the reader should not lose heart. According to reliable sources, the issue is being reprinted in light of unprecedented sales, so you too can have your copy.
And finally, attempts to get a comment from the India Today editor or a representative have failed. However, its chief editor has reportedly sent a heartfelt apology to the editor of Playboy magazine, an excerpt of which is reproduced here: “The tiger had sex with a tornado and it was wild, raw, kinky sex, Oh yeah, with whips and spiky thongs… Yes, that feels gooood… With the resultant tiger-nado baby… and OH GOD! YES! OH GOD! YES! OH MY GOD! … I would like to apologize as it was all the result of jet-shag.”
(The writer tweets here)