NEWSWIRE

Mumbai. It’s official; Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) is set for a mega re-launch coming Monday with the first episode featuring Suresh Kalmadi as the celebrity participant, who would be answering questions asked by Computerji and interpreted by Big B to win the highest prize money of the most popular quiz reality show on the Indian television.

Faking News has access to the most secret plans and script of the first episode, which has already been shot a few days earlier even as millions of people would watch the show assuming it were a live telecast, an assumption believed in by the producers of the Hollywood movie Slumdog Millionaire as well.

Following are some of the highlights of the first episode of the show (spoilers alert):

Amitabh Bachchan (Big B): Welcome back to KBC hosted by someone who doesn’t get stuck on pronouncing ‘K’, thus giving undue prominence to ‘BC’. And please welcome someone who epitomizes what KBC stands for – giving the ‘common’ person an opportunity to earn ‘wealth’ by playing ‘games’. Yes, our own Commonwealth Games organizing committee chairman Suresh Kalmadi (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause).

Suresh Kalmadi (Big C): Thanks sir. It’s a pleasure being here. Your studio is world class.

Big B: Thank you very much. But it’s nothing compared to what we saw during the opening ceremony of CWG. A big round of applause for that please (real sound of audience clapping and applause). So Mr. Kalmadi, I presume that you know all the rules of every game (otherwise how would you bend them) and hence without wasting any time in telling you the rules, we’d straightaway start the game. Are you ready?

Big C: Yes, but before I start playing, I’d like to tell the people around that whatever money I win today, I will donate it to Indian Olympics Association for creating better infrastructure for our poor athletes, which is the only aim of my life (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause).

Big B: So if you win one crore rupees, we can have something like a jute mattress for one of our gold-medal winning wrestlers? (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.

Big B: Okay, so now Mr. Kalmadi, here is your first question – who among these has been the President of India? And your options are – (a) Rahul Gandhi (b) Abdul Kalam Azad (c) Abdul Kalam (d) Abul Kalam

Big C: As a Congressman I wish it was (a), but I know that’s not the right answer. After the opening ceremony, now I know that there was no ‘Azad’ in the name so it’s not even (b). I’m confused between (c) and (d). hmmm…

Big B: You have three lifelines.

Big C: Okay, I’ll use 50-50 (ad-jingle of Britannia 50-50 plays and Big B takes a noisy bite on a biscuit as part of in-program placement of brands for the show).

Big B: (after gulping down the biscuit) Computerji, please remove two wrong answers – (computer removes (a) and (b) and audience laughs like crazy).

Kalmadi Banega Crorepati?

Suresh Kalmadi playing Kaun Banega Crorepati

Big C: WTF!

Big B: You have two more lifelines.

Big C: No way, this computer is playing games with me. I’ll take a risk and go with (c).

Big B: Sure? Lock kiya jaaye? (ad-jingle of Link Locks plays)

(Suresh Kalmadi gives his assent and after making many serious and mock-serious faces and after a commercial break, it’s finally revealed by host Big B that the answer was correct. A guy in Shera costume runs on the stage and Amitabh Bachchan also rises up to congratulate Kalmadi on his ‘success’. The scenes are repeated for a few more questions as Kalmadi’s wealth piles up with each correct answer and commercial break.)

Big B: Welcome back to KBC and we have Mr. Kalmadi playing with us and he has won 25 lakhs rupees till now. He can walk away with 25 lakhs right now by quitting the game (and buy a toothbrush for our wrestlers) or he can choose to answer the next question to win 50 lakhs, but if he answers incorrectly, he’d lose these 25 lakhs. Suresh Kalmadi Sir, u made lakhs (audience laughs), do you want to continue?

Big C: Of course. I care for my athletes. (audience laughs again)

Big B: Great! So here is your question for 50 lakh rupees – which is the native village of Dhirubhai Ambani in Gujarat? And your options are – (a) Dharwad (b) Valsad (c) Chorwad (d) Kabaad

Big C: That’s a tricky one. I’d use my second lifeline – audience poll.

Big B: Fine. Audience, what do you think?

Audience: Chor Chor Chor Chor (repeats in chorus and points towards Kalmadi on the stage)…

Big B: err… I think they are jeering you sir.

Big C: I don’t hear any jeering. They are helping me.  I’d go with the option (c) Chorwad.

Big B: Sure? Lock kiya jaaye? (ad-jingle of Link Locks plays)

Big C: Yes!

Big B: Congratulations Mr. Kalmadi! You have won 50 lakhs! (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause)

Big C: I knew people would help me. It’s all public’s money.

Big B: I know! (audience laughs) Now Mr. Kalmadi, you have real chance of winning one crore rupees. Want to proceed?

Big C: Of course, anything to be number one and world class.

Big B: Wonderful. So here is your question for one crore rupees – who was the second Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu state in independent India? And your options are – (a) Karunanidhi (b) K Kamraj (c) C Rajagopalachari (d) Rajinikanth

Big C: Rajini can’t be second to anyone, so I guess that option is gone.

Big B: Smart analysis!

Big C: It can’t be Karunanidhi as well because there were no spectrum auctions to be done at that time. Hmmm… it’s either (b) or (c)… uffff… I wish I had that 50-50 lifeline option at this time.

Big B: You still have phone-a-friend lifeline option. You can call a friend from Tamil Nadu, say, Mani Shankar Aiyar? (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy. But I won’t take any more jokes now. Yes, call up Mani.

Big B: Sure?

Big C: Yes.

Big B: Alright. Computerji, please call Mani Shakar Aiyar, who is currently roaming for the duration of the Commonwealth Games. (sound of a phone call being made, answered by a ‘hello’) Is that Mani Shankar Aiyar?

Phone: Yes, who is this?

Big B: This is Amitabh Bachchan calling here from Kaun Banega Crorepati and we have your friend Suresh Kalmadi sitting here.

Phone: He’s a bloody liar!

Big B: Maybe, but currently he needs your help to win one crore rupees.

Phone: WTF!? Has he won the bid to host Olympics now?

Big B: No, no, in that case he can win thousands of crores (audience laughs) this is just about one crore; he needs you to answer a question about Tamil Nadu politics correctly and you can help build infrastructure for Indian sportsmen. Now you will hear Kalmadiji’s voice.

Big C: Mani, listen carefully – FUCK YOU! (audience laughs like crazy)

Big B: That was the most ingenious use of phone-a-friend I had ever seen (claps) but what are you going to do now?

Big C: Please lock option (c).

Big B: Whoa! It seems you had known the answer but called up Mani just to settle scores.

Big C: Yes, I’m one-up now. (audience laughs) Please lock option (c).

Big B: Okay Computerji, please lock… (final siren blows just in time signaling end time of the first episode) ohh.. Kalmadiji, we’ve missed the deadline and the show has not been completed on time. (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.

Report filed under:

Television


  • Ayush

    How can i ever thank you for creating this site??

    ITS FUCKING AWESOME

  • Manu

    big b & big C hhahaa :D

  • Nitin

    I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.

  • weapon

    hahaha
    Big C: Mani, listen carefully – FUCK YOU! (audience laughs like crazy)
    man i cant stop ROFLing…

  • chandan

    this is awesome

  • Sanchit

    ROFL… ROFL…
    Big C: Mani, listen carefully – FUCK YOU! (audience laughs like crazy)

    Ohh God… people in office around staring me like i have gone nuts….

  • vikas

    superb!

  • Debasis

    World class comedy.Keep it up bro

  • http://susenj.wordpress.com neeraj

    I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.
    RoFL…