New Delhi. Faking News has announced that it will sue New Zealand TV host Paul Henry, who purposely mispronounced Delhi CM Sheila Dikshit’s name on his show. Henry pointed out that “Dikshit” sounds very much like “dick” and “shit”, two English words irresistibly funny to 10 year old boys and Delhi’s satire writing community (all three of them).
The Kiwi host’s comments have been denounced as “childish”, “puerile” and “base” by many in the Indian media and as “theft” by Faking News. The Delhi-based satire site claims that it had published the exact same “joke” several days earlier in a story on Delhi’s current “satire bubble” created by the Commonwealth Games and is accusing Henry of plagiarism.
“I’m devastated,” said an unnamed Faking News reporter from a sparsely furnished South Delhi bedroom, “this isn’t about the money, it’s about my rights as a writer, as an artist, as a creator. Theft of one’s ideas is akin to the theft of one’s soul. I feel empty, devoid. There is nothing now. Only nothing,” he added, lighting up another Gallois. After a brief pause to adjust his beret and ponder nothingness, he explained that the idea had been growing in his mind for months and that he had discussed it with many people, in fact, most people he knew, multiple times.
“Faking News has an excellent case,” said Faking News’ acting legal adviser, Amit Singh, whose Dad knows a policeman, “they published the gag first, plus Henry’s comments were called ‘culturally insensitive’ – just like Faking News, you should see the flak that Punjabis get on that site. It’s despicable. Jats get it in the neck too. But they won’t have a go at the Biharis, will they!”
“This is a serious breach of artistic integrity,” said the Faking News CEO, “we are considering our position. But we must point out this is not about the money. We will not ask for a financial settlement, although we suspect we would be awarded around US$50-75m. Rather we are currently considering what little piece of New Zealand we will claim as compensation.”
However, this plan has suffered a minor setback as there is no room at Faking News HQ for any of New Zealand’s 45m sheep and Faking News team have so far failed to identify anything else significant in the country apart from Daniel Vettori.
“We could do with a tea boy,” said the CEO, adding, “on their current form, it’ll be the only cups he gets his hands on,” and laughing hard like Paul Henry that he spilt coffee on his keyboard. It was pointed out that such a legal arrangement was technically impossible, but the CEO dismissed this, saying “details, details.”
Faking News can report that it has been in contact with the New Zealand embassy but has so far received only two “Visit New Zealand” brochures and a hobbit figurine. Despite numerous calls to the New Zealand cricket board, Daniel Vettori’s position on the issue remains unclear.
“Do not speak to me about it,” said the wronged Faking News reporter, “it is past, do not reopen the wound, do not make me bleed afresh… I have found new light, new inspiration,” he added, waving his Gallois at a picture of Ryan Sidebottom.