Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Even though many sources dismissed the reports about Taliban training monkeys to carry out attacks on US troops as ‘absurd’ and ‘rumor’, our sources have confirmed that the news about “monkey terrorists” were genuine. Taliban is indeed raising an army of gun trotting monkeys.
However, these monkeys are not yet ready to become suicide bombers even as their trainers are trying their best to convince the primates.
“These monkeys have higher IQ than our earlier recruits, but somehow they lack the motivation to blow themselves up in a crowded place,” informed Maulana Mushroom Azahar, the spokesperson of Taliban.
His men were seen convincing the monkeys to follow the true path of god and kill the infidels, whether armed men or random women and children, but monkeys appeared least interested.
But Maulana expressed happiness that the monkeys were otherwise doing fine, and were quickly learning vital skills like throwing a grenade, firing from a Kalashnikov, assembling a bomb, and recording video messages while appearing somber yet threatening.
“They are intelligent creatures, right among the best ones like trained engineers and doctors that we have been able to attract till date,” chuckled Maulana, who is confident that infidel countries like the USA, Israel, and India would now be clueless on how to tackle these monkey terrorists.
While he is happy with limited progress, Maulana considers his work unfinished till he can convince these monkeys of becoming suicide attackers like Ajmal Ali Kasab.
“We have asked our research department to deeply study and analyze monkey psychology and spot areas that we can influence and convince these soldiers for the ultimate martyrdom,” he revealed.
But experts believe that the going would be far tougher for Maulana as his time tested means could fall flat on the monkeys.
“There is no evidence that monkeys believe in concepts like heaven and hell. They are mostly believed to be enjoying their present, unlike many human beings. They also have very different approach towards sex – they don’t consider it taboo or forbidden, and they don’t necessarily hanker after virgins, let alone waiting for them until after death” Kasim Kohistani, an expert in Animal Psychology told Faking News.
Other experts too agree and caution Maulana not to become over enthusiastic just because the monkeys have shown positive results in other areas.
“A bulk of the people, whom Taliban had been attracting till now, had lived in a habitat worse that those enjoyed by these monkeys. Those poor guys were malnourished and grew up seeing killings and violence around them, which could make the monkeys appear more alert and intelligent in comparison, but that doesn’t mean that the monkey would be ready to do everything they say,” said Hamid Wahidi, an economist.
When approached by Faking News, the trainee monkeys refused to talk, but one of them agreed to comment after our correspondent gave him 250 grams of peanuts and two dozen bananas.
“It is fun shooting from these guns and getting food in return! But give me a break; I’m not going to blow myself up for peanuts! Hah, never!” said Kalandar, a trainee monkey terrorist.