NEWSWIRE

Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Even though many sources dismissed the reports about Taliban training monkeys to carry out attacks on US troops as ‘absurd’ and ‘rumor’, our sources have confirmed that the news about “monkey terrorists” were genuine. Taliban is indeed raising an army of gun trotting monkeys.

However, these monkeys are not yet ready to become suicide bombers even as their trainers are trying their best to convince the primates.

“These monkeys have higher IQ than our earlier recruits, but somehow they lack the motivation to blow themselves up in a crowded place,” informed Maulana Mushroom Azahar, the spokesperson of Taliban.

Monkey Terrorist

Monkey Terrorists trained by Taliban could soon strike various parts of the world

His men were seen convincing the monkeys to follow the true path of god and kill the infidels, whether armed men or random women and children, but monkeys appeared least interested.

But Maulana expressed happiness that the monkeys were otherwise doing fine, and were quickly learning vital skills like throwing a grenade, firing from a Kalashnikov, assembling a bomb, and recording video messages while appearing somber yet threatening.

“They are intelligent creatures, right among the best ones like trained engineers and doctors that we have been able to attract till date,” chuckled Maulana, who is confident that infidel countries like the USA, Israel, and India would now be clueless on how to tackle these monkey terrorists.

While he is happy with limited progress, Maulana considers his work unfinished till he can convince these monkeys of becoming suicide attackers like Ajmal Ali Kasab.

“We have asked our research department to deeply study and analyze monkey psychology and spot areas that we can influence and convince these soldiers for the ultimate martyrdom,” he revealed.

But experts believe that the going would be far tougher for Maulana as his time tested means could fall flat on the monkeys.

“There is no evidence that monkeys believe in concepts like heaven and hell. They are mostly believed to be enjoying their present, unlike many human beings. They also have very different approach towards sex – they don’t consider it taboo or forbidden, and they don’t necessarily hanker after virgins, let alone waiting for them until after death” Kasim Kohistani, an expert in Animal Psychology told Faking News.

Other experts too agree and caution Maulana not to become over enthusiastic just because the monkeys have shown positive results in other areas.

“A bulk of the people, whom Taliban had been attracting till now, had lived in a habitat worse that those enjoyed by these monkeys. Those poor guys were malnourished and grew up seeing killings and violence around them, which could make the monkeys appear more alert and intelligent in comparison, but that doesn’t mean that the monkey would be ready to do everything they say,” said Hamid Wahidi, an economist.

When approached by Faking News, the trainee monkeys refused to talk, but one of them agreed to comment after our correspondent gave him 250 grams of peanuts and two dozen bananas.

“It is fun shooting from these guns and getting food in return! But give me a break; I’m not going to blow myself up for peanuts! Hah, never!” said Kalandar, a trainee monkey terrorist.

Report filed under:

World


  • http://rajs-blog.blogspot.com Rajesh GP

    Though, the write up made for some funny reading as usual, i found the background of the picture to be not in sync with the story. Dude, for god’s sake, the pic where the monkey is holding a gun has a background of Rashtrapati Bahavan…and that my good friend is a dampener!

  • Varun

    @ Rajesh – Dude …Cmon.. you tryin to find logic in here…

    Sit back n njy Faking !!!1

    • http://fakingnews.firstpost.com indeevar

      Forgetting logic, sanity hand one sided vision have become a life style disorder of us, the so called Indian English media viwers/readers…my first priority is fakingnews to NDTV or others. The madari in front of the rashtrapati bhavan is much better than Padmashris of Barkha, Pronoy, N.Ram, who are running Views channels…rather than news channels, i wonder how all of them are unanimously leftist or centrists! i am dying to get an answer for this. Will money and pro establishment alone nail them or something not apparent…like the british govt. that impressed feudal lords/jamindars with fake titles like Rao and Rao Bahadur for arm chair hunting…looks like CongI won the hearts of ‘baal kati media’ (in the words of bihar politicians) . ‘psecular’ should be an official word like google.

  • Enanks

    Really funny piece, can’t stop myself from laughing like monkey :)