NEWSWIRE

Washington, DC, USA. In a surprising development late last evening, President Barack Obama (of the USA in North America), emerged from a 22 hours marathon meeting with representatives of NASA, CIA, FBI, Mossad, CBI, the BSP, Al Qaeda and the states of Israel and Palestine, to make a landmark announcement. He sounded optimistic, although desultory and shaky due to sheer fatigue despite consuming 43 cups of Starbucks discounted coffee with Dunkin diabetic donuts, while releasing his official press note.

Surrounded by all these representatives all of whom were equally shaky out of sheer fatigue, he said, and we quote: “The USA has realized that the tremendous efforts, time and resources invested over past 3 decades into solving the shitty Israel-Palestine problem have turned to precisely that – shit. There is more and more of that being generated with every passing week. Even Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s efforts to clean up the mess are leaving more of it (blush). Hence, in a multinational operation of unprecedented magnitude, all parties involved have decided to agree to a project in which the entire physical state of Palestine will be moved to the outer space, 33 kilometers above the surface of the Earth. This way, the problem will be solved forever.”

Barack Obama

Obama giving thumbs up to the grand plan for global peace

To the tumultuous cheer of the media persons present in the briefing room, the President continued, “We have also realized that the Israelis actually enjoy attacking, maiming, handicapping and killing the Palestinians. It goes beyond their call of state-duty. It is a form of national sports, and is used for daily mock training of their regular troops. Since this cannot be changed, we decided to change the target itself. Now the entire state of Palestine, including the disputed settlements in the West Bank (and the Gaza strip) will be dug out till a depth of 500 m into neatly packaged chunks (with humans inside) using giant Caterpillar machines (for which contracts need to be taken out) and will be transported to outer space using giant tows tied to Saturn 22 rocket series (for which contracts need to be taken out). All these chunks will then be neatly assembled by the leading engineers from Toyota’s famous assembling units (that manufactured those brake-pedal assemblies that have led to worldwide recalls) and in a short span of just 29 years, the project should see completion.”

Upon media queries on what will happen to the people tied inside these chunks, the President replied, “They will be supplied enough food, water and sanitation facilities to last at least three decades. They can continue to enjoy their safe lives (better than what they would be back on ground anyway) and continue to reproduce inside. As soon as the assembling would be complete, they can emerge to a victorious settlement of their new found homeland. What Gods could not do, we will have done.”

To a question on possible Republican vetoing of the project later, the President accepted that it represented a tricky matter and that if the Republicans were to come to power anytime in the next 3 decades, they could reverse his administration’s call, and then the fate of the Palestinians out there would literally be hanging in the air. He offered no solution to that future emergency, denouncing critics as naysayers, and advising them to believe in the power of “we can”.

His address was transmitted live to the entire world, with an estimated 1899 TV channels beaming it live, and 11 billion humans watching it to their pleasant surprise, including some from the forlorn and forgotten islands in Micronesia, who could not hide their tears of joy. Out of sheer joy, thousands of Palestinians fired several rounds of AK-47 shots into the Israeli territory, killing hundreds of civilians who could not hold their tears of joy on this stunning development. The Israelis too returned fire out of sheer joy, and maimed an equal number of Palestinians.

[submitted by International News Correspondent Inane Stupidities Amplified (I S Amplified)]

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  • Ani

    What bakchodi.

  • Rohit

    nothing else will work!

  • n00b

    NASA, CIA, FBI, Mossad, CBI, the BSP, Al Qaeda and the states of Israel and Palestine

    lolax :D

  • rahul

    lame

  • http://www.lifespurple.com JD

    what CBI and BSP was doing in the meeting? need an explanation?

  • Mr. India

    BSP’s elephant statues will also be moved into space with the Palestine state since the supreme court has asked for their removal. It will also provide some recreation to Palestinians so that they don’t throw “stuff” from space into Israel (if you catch the wind). Needless to say it serves the third purpose of appeasing the Republicans.

    As for CBI, they were just there to make sure that any criminals against Indian state will be returned in a span of 30 years to India if they choose to abscond to the “heavenly” Palestine.

    You see Pagal Patrakar can get you only so much information – for the clandestine details, trust Mr. India

    Jai Hind!

  • Funky

    Nice article!!!!

  • Pradeep G

    Outrageously hilarious…. One of the best in the web…. lol lol lol lol lol and on on …