NEWSWIRE

Guatemala City. A new study into Mayan calendar, writing and mythology has revealed that most of us could be turning into asses by the end of 2012 i.e. within three years from today, in fact the process is believed to have already started according to the latest research. The study warns that the human race will be replaced by donkeys (also known as asses) and the existing donkeys will rule over the neo-donkeys.

“Yes, there will be doomsday, but only for the human race. The earth will survive and so will the flora and fauna, sans the humanity. An army of asses will rise from its ashes and enslave the human race. They will also genetically modify us to transform us into substandard asses while the existing asses will rule over us.” Prof. Carlos Santana, who deciphered the new prophecy, informed.

A cave painting showing a Mayan King riding an ass

A cave painting showing a Mayan King riding an ass

New study has revealed that prehistoric Mayan Kings used to ride donkeys and it was considered to be a mark of respect in those times. In fact the kingdom’s army used to have large fleets of donkeys and wars were fought valiantly with donkeys braying on both the sides. Around the year 1900 BC, a renegade Mayan Knight is supposed to have ridden a horse and defeated the then King in a battle after challenging him publicly. The Knight became the next King and he ordered a mass execution of all the royal donkeys.

“All the asses in the army were beheaded and their bodies were burnt and dumped into a large well in the modern day Belize. This horrified all the other asses and since then the asses have been in a state of shock. The modern day asses are still mourning that massacre and that’s why they are largely silent and tolerant to human excesses. But they are all full of hope and belief that one day that massacred army of asses will rise from the ashes and take revenge.” Prof. Carlos disclosed the startling facts.

According to Prof. Carlos, the army of asses will rejuvenate the existing asses and these slothful looking creatures will be filled with unmatched alacrity and intellect. Then, these asses, under the leadership of the reborn asses, will march to subjugate the human beings. In fact Prof. Carlos believes that a few overexcited asses are already jumping the gun and are attacking human beings in different parts of the world.

This innocuous looking donkey could actually be thinking about massacring human beings

This innocuous looking donkey could actually be thinking about massacring human beings

Such attacks by asses on human beings are expected to grow rapidly in the coming months. Human beings would debate and plan how to tackle donkey kickbacks, but by then the dead army of asses would have been resurrected, followed by the doomsday. These chilling details of the new found prophecy effectively makes each ass in our neighborhood a potential future oppressor of the human race. So should we kill all the asses?

“No! That would be even more tragic. Each ass that we would kill will be joining the army of the dead asses and this way we would end up dealing with a much powerful army. Instead of killing asses, we should be undertaking more research to find out what kind of strength the army of the dead asses could have. We should prepare for the inevitable battle. I volunteer for the research and I hope the governments around the world would help me with grants.” Prof. Carlos asked for help to save humanity.

The research is already creating strong ripples across the world with various Hollywood producers queuing up to make a movie on the grand battle between asses and human beings. Produces claim that these big budgeted movies would also help in further research and would help the humanity fight the asses. Leading author Dan Brown too is supposed to be mulling over the possibility of writing a book over this possible ass attack.

News channels in India too alerted its viewer about the possible revenge of the asses causing widespread hate attack against asses in various parts of the country. Government has appealed for restraint and has asked people not to act like asses. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured the citizens that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would be soon talking about this acute ass problem with US President Barack Obama.

Report filed under:

Astrology


  • Sambha

    I believe it. I saw three idiots with huge asses singing “All is well” on TV recently.

    Goodbye mankind!!

  • fake

    In IT companiesit is already happening especiaaly in socalled virtualisation companies.

  • http://pykih.blogspot.com Mihir Modi

    I said something yesterday and my boss almost kicked me. You guys think that’s got anything to do with this Mayan thing?

  • http://www.varunreddylive.com Varun Reddy

    Asses asses everywhere, not the ones you like :D

  • Raja

    They have a cl ass of their own

  • Andrei

    Lol Carlos Santana?

  • Paro

    “Government has appealed for restraint and has asked people not to act like asses…”
    LOL… :D
    GOod one Pagal…!

  • Sumit Swarnkar

    & the “MANKIND” will turn wholly as “ASSKIND”….I am going to launch social networking site for asses naming “ASSBOOK”…Howz that ???