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horoscopeAccording to Wikipedia, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, National Novel Writing Month, Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month, Transgender Awareness Month, American Diabetes Month, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, National Homeless Youth Awareness Month, Crohn’s & Ulcerative Colitis Awareness Month, and the month dedicated to the Holy Souls in Purgatory in the Roman Catholic Church.

Phew, what a busy month, even though some of them don’t make sense at all!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
ariesWinter is setting and you need to take a good care of yourself or your body parts can shrink beyond redemption. To add to your worries, fire (agni) is in the fifth house and is surrounded by ketu, it actually doesn’t mean a shit but you should be scared and take precautions. Before you step out of your house, you should chew three leaves of rose along with little pieces of coconut and a dash of turmeric and pepper. This will keep you healthy and alert and your spouse will love you. You will also be promoted in your job at which you suck.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
taurusHoly fuck! You might murder your boss this month as he will refuse to grant you any leaves at all even though you have so many marriages of your friends to attend. If you are unmarried, the chances are high that you would attack your boss and fatally injure him in full public view. This could potentially end your career and public life as you’d be arrested on charges of culpable homicide. But there is a solution. You should take a little bit of ear wax from your left ear and apply it on the right cheek of your boss. Boss will be all ears to you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
geminiYou have been staring at the dog of your neighbor for long hoping to kill him (the dog). You should watch the Hollywood movie “The Men Who Stare at Goats” starring George Clooney that would release in the first week of November. As you’d know Clooney also talks to his dead pig, with whom he used to share bed, with help of a psychic. Know more about Clooney and you might soon be able to kill that ugly dog, who has been pissing in your shoes, and later even talk to the dead dog with help of a psychic. Pretty cool!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
cancerOh dear, you have a very bad month ahead. All through November, people would confuse you for being in the Halloween mood, as you’d always appear spooky to them. You could try taking bath daily even though it would be tough in winters. Or alternatively, you could wrap a small piece of onion in your handkerchief and throw the hanky below a running truck on any highway. Then take out the smashed piece of onion and eat it with two slices bread and strawberry jam. Don’t forget to remember your favorite god before you take first bite.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)
leoAll the planets are in auspicious houses for you, but you could still go homeless as you’d have to default on your home loan payments yet again. Since you are not any MP or MLA, you’d not have much of time and hefty recovery agents can throw you out on roads along with your furniture and clothes. This could happen because your home in not vaastu-complaint. You should move your toilet near kitchen and put that sofa on the terrace. Start sleeping with your head making an angle of 37.5% north east of your spouse’s left leg, and most of your troubles would go away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
virgoUnmarried Virgo men need to be extra careful this month as their girlfriends can ask them to strip on webcam for love’s sake. Little would they know that she’d be recording the proceedings and would soon put it on YouTube as “Funny video of Indian man showing his little tool” which will attract at least 50000 views on the inaugural day. The instance can leave deep scars on you and you could be forced to become a professional stripper for the rest of your life. Take precautions and don’t use internet on Mondays, Thursdays and on Weekends.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)
libraAs an MBA student, you’d spoil your winters to have a nice summer placement. But to sail through your summer placement interviews, you must make sure that moon is in its third house. Draw pictures of one horned dog on the hostel door of the room that is third to left of your own room. Tear every third page of your economics text book and insert them into the accounting text book. Your lucky number is 0.333 and your lucky number for this month is turquoise black.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
scorpioYou have chances of getting hit by a cricket ball while watching cricket in a stadium, so wear helmet when you go there. You could also try wearing helmet while driving your bike as your neighbor is quite jealous of your new wife and is looking to break your head. Time period between 9.00 AM to 5.00 PM are not good for you and something untoward can happen to you so avoid doing anything in the above time period. Wear half pink and half yellow on Monday and Thursday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
sagittarius

You have been secretly peeing on the roof of your apartment block but this month you could be caught doing so. People would no longer believe it to be the work of any cat or dog as they have been doing till now, and there is good chance that you would be beaten like a donkey. Give three golden rings to the janitor of the colony and take him/her out for a date at Café Coffee Day and you could be saved from the wrath. The janitor would try to kiss you or hold your hand, yield to his/her demands and god will forgive you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
capricorn

Your appetite will grow this month and you’d always feel like eating something or the other. If you are a politician you would eat into the public reserves and empty the state treasury. If you are a cricketer, you would eat all balls and score pathetically slow. If you are a cook, you would be fired. If you are a doctor, god save the patient. If you are a beggar, god save you. Normally you can’t do much about it and you would have to live with it, but some of you might try to keep three bricks on your stomach and ask your friend to stand on it for three minutes to ward off the evil forces.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
aquariusAquarian women have strong chances of developing six pack abs while the men could develop saggy chests (man-boobs). Women will receive appreciation and men will attract admiration to the extent that little boys would be staring at your man-boobs. But if this idea scares you off, you can try to cross dress as anyway November is the Transgender Awareness Month and you could claim to be doing your bit. Women should apply five milligrams of ash on their forehead after burning tortoise mosquito coil while men should apply lip gloss.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
pisces

You would actually cry after seeing some episode of Bigg Boss and lose half your call balance in your cellphone by participating in online votes and polls of reality shows and news channels. Because of such behavior people would start seeing you as loser so you must act cool all this month. Show middle finger to your workers when they crack jokes at you and do hi-fives with your bosses, these things would make you real cool and your colleagues would be full of respect towards you. You can also try wearing a polythene underwear during office hours.

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  • Mahesh

    LOL.. for the first time I actually all the predictions of all the signs :D

  • http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com siddhartha

    First time in my life I hav gone thru al predictions for al zodiac signs…N trust me i havent laughed dis much before!!grt stuff man…hehehe

  • rooney dunes

    Thank you Paagalji, I am pisces and I followed and did all u said. Thanks to you I have earned a great deal of respect from my colleagues, they call be “chaddi baba” now also my boss likes my idea of polythene underwears as they dont smell as bad as the cheap “Lal Ghoda” underwears they supply in office, so thee gave me the contract for supplying them to all others and wearing them is mandatory . :)
    i admire you boss !!

  • carzycool

    hilarious!!!

  • http://www.polycarbonates.org Charlotte Wright

    my mom suffered colitis last year and it was quite an expensive disease.:.,

  • ayush

    you are so biased against Aquarius :(

    i’ll rather murder my boss :)

  • http://susenj.wordpress.com neeraj

    My goodness…!
    I read all the predictions…dude..you rock…
    update them every month for FN’s sake!

  • sanky

    awesome… rocking!!!