Faking News will be bringing to you randomly released horoscope predictions. The frequency of the predictions will depend upon the movement of moon in the third astrological house when a baby constellation will be aligned with it despite precession of the equinoxes. Therefore, quite logically as the intelligent amongst you would have assumed, the horoscope predictions could be for a month, a week, or any other duration depending upon those special spatial parameters. So just keep watching this space to know more.
For now, following are the first ever horoscope predictions by Faking News for August 2009:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries is considered a fire sign and you must protect yourself from fire this August. Smokers beware! There is a good chance that your fart will catch fire from your cigarette butt, causing grievous posterior destruction to you. Non-smokers should not assume themselves to be safe from such incendiary hazards, you might be burnt alive while watching television. To safeguard yourselves, you should burn three paws of any dead cat along with red chilies on a full moon midnight.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I know you are happy these days but don’t be too bullish Mr. Taurus and please sell all the shares of bull sperm marketing companies that you hold. Recession is not over yet and you should really be circumspect (see dictionary, it has got nothing to do with circumcision) in your dealings. August might prove good to you and your wife could give you a costly gift, and guess what, she won’t use your cash or card to buy the gift! Her boyfriend will buy it. Someone is getting lucky.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
If you thought your zodiac sign had got something to do with gems and jewelry, I am sure you would come out of your illusion next month. You will lose the inheritance lawsuit you are fighting with your siblings and the court will actually order confiscation of all your property, including your gems and jewelry. But don’t worry, there is a silver lining in every cloud. You won’t be paying any income or wealth tax anymore. Show your middle finger to the taxmen next time you see them.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
I hope you know that Cancer is ruled by the moon and hence you must do all your works when the moon is out. Get a job that will allow you to work in night shifts as much as possible, such as a call center employee with a company that has its operations in the USA, a watchman in your local colony, an old fashioned thief, a journalist, or a train or a truck driver. Your lucky color is black and your lucky number is ‘0’. You don’t have a lucky day.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
I hope you know that Leo is ruled by the sun and hence you must do all your work when the sun is out. Get a job that will allow you to work outdoors in summers and non-rainy day as much as possible, such as a traffic policeman, a salesman, a postman, a journalist, or a rickshaw or a taxi driver. Your lucky color is white and your lucky number is ‘f’. Your lucky day is when you wear your white underwear inside out on your pink trousers.
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Man, you suck. Woman, you don’t suck. Eunuch, you don’t matter. Transgender, get a life. Basically the horoscope writer of this month was cheated by various persons belonging to this zodiac sign, therefore Virgos are going to have a torrid time in August. Your toilet seat will break just when you would try to flush. There is no way out to escape the miseries but you could try feeding five and half slices of butter-toast to a one-horned cow each Tuesday afternoon.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
You would beautifully balance your professional and personal life in the coming weeks. You would lose your job and your spouse the same day, which will allow you to rediscover yourself. You will have a lot of time and opportunity to try out things you always wanted. Finally you would come to know that you were a loser all your life. You will win a lottery ticket only to find that the result was misprinted. Even your dog will bite on your left ball when you would forget to feed him.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
An unexpected travel to Timbaktu could take place in August where you will meet a three and half feet tall dwarf who would tell you your fortune in detail for the next month. You must be cordial to the dwarf as he would have magical powers to shorten your body parts. You should also be cordial with your domestic help as he would have powers to murder you and run away with your valuables, especially if you are residing in the national capital region. Wear nothing on Mondays.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
There is a good chance of getting promotion in your job from which you were laid off last month. Your salary would be a tad lesser than what you were getting but you would yet feel promoted. Your juniors may become your boss this time, so you must control your ego, anger and emotions. Your children might fight with you for fish curry, so you must control your appetite too. There is a danger of meeting an accident while riding a horse, so be careful and use protection.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Get rid of that fucking goatee or your house can get burnt down in a communal riot. Being a Capricorn doesn’t mean you try to look like a goat. It also doesn’t mean you wear a Capri or eat corn to get lucky. Just say this mantra five times each time you see a goat – goot loot phoot phurr khurr bhdim dung – and your lady luck will smile at you. You must wink at the goat each time after you finish saying the mantra. Always ask for tea made in goat milk when you go to Barista.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
You must take bath at least two times a week as your zodiac sign represents a water carrier. You have a liking to delay all your work till the eleventh hour, but don’t worry it’s not you who is responsible. You are such a terrible personality because Aquarius is associated with the eleventh house. Many of you are born on the so-called Valentine’s Day, but trust me, nobody loves you. You are a repugnant critter till you start earning handsomely and spending it on other people.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You can help your Sagittarius friends whose children would fight with them for fish curry, but chances are that you won’t help and enjoy their miseries. You are a fucked up soul and you have no qualms admitting it. But you should try to be a little better if you don’t want to face the wrath of Lord Ganesha. Try to help people in need such as criminals who can’t afford lawyers. Pluck three leaves of marigold from your neighbor’s garden and rub them on your bums each morning.